You will find that your claws separate easily

 The lobsters will arrive with shells thoughtfully cracked ahead of time. You will find that your claws separate easily having been deftly and professionally levered just so by a heavy knife. The tails will have been halved and segregated from claws, fanned out at the southern end of the platter claws to the north. A few heads will provide impressive garnish at the center of the platter, their antennae twirling heavenwards but not all of them. Because only my wife God bless her is cool enough to dig everything out of the heads.The corn will arrive, still steaming, freshly salted, and drenched evenly with ungodly amounts of whole butter. Holders will be nearby. Please don't stab yourself as I will be displeased to interrupt my duties as maniac obsessive host in order to ferry you to the nearby hospital.At such time as the main courses are finished, and the wine has been consumed, discarded shells, lobster guts, napkins and other effluent will be quickly rolled up in the convenient newspaper tablecloth.
 
Rest assured that your cheese course and there will be a fing cheese course and yes, you will fing eat it has been sitting out for some time so as to be ready to be served at optimum temperature.Dessert? You're on your own. What do I look like? A fing pastry chef?It's pretty much like this every day. On those days when we have no guests, I'm tempted to wander the streets, looking for someone to kidnap whom I can subject to my cycle menu. I'm like a psychotic version of Ina Garten. But if Jeffrey isn't "sooo happy I made meatloaf," I'll bury him in a shallow grave.Tomorrow will be hamburgers! And hot dogs! Not to worry! There will be the right, the perfect potato buns. Relish. American cheese. Said cheese slices will have been pre-separated and replaced, kitty corner, in a neat stack, for easy-grab action once I'm at the grill. There will be ketchup, of course, and two types of mustard. I prefer Dijon style but as a man who respects tradition, I will also provide yellow, ballpark-style mustard.Ordinarily, I would berate guests who put ketchup on my hot dogs, or mess up my burgers with a mix of mustard, ketchup and mayonnaise but because it's summer, and I'm all about mellow I will let it pass.